Lately my life seems so grey , schematic and predictible. 22 years of my life and I feel like I've seen everything in this world and nothing will surprise me.

Like in a video game, where you are thrown into a new and undiscovered world... you proceed forward with excitement, wondering what wonders, interesting adventures,places and people you're going to encounter. Then when you begin to notice that everything is limited... and you start to observe patterns in which everything occurs... and you are able to predict the outcomes of most of the situations even before they start... Then everything becames so boring because you know that nothing new will happen.

It's preety much the same with my life lately.

It is not bad. Not good either. It resembles living in a strange and boring dream... which you are desperately trying to break away from. It feels like you're not living, but being in a state of torpor. Trapped in a void.

When you have 20 years and mentally you feel like you're 60.

It wasn't like that before... let's say, half a year or one or two. Only sometimes I get this brief feeling of great hope and happiness... can't say precisely what it is and by what it is triggered. Maybe when I see something which reminds me of past moments of happiness, when I had great hopes that something very nice is going to happen to me.

I thought, I'm going to eventually meet someone... and have some good time which would finally make me think really happy and fulfilled.

Somehow all this keeps evading me.

Sometimes I think that the best years of my life are fruitlessly fading away like a shooting star.


There was an interesting scene in Beyond the Clouds, during which the main character summarizes his life in a new city and which I found amazingly akin to my state of mind. I even quoted this 3 years ago on my blog. This time I quote it again:

Once I got to my room and shut the door, it felt like the bones in my body were tearing through my skin...
...and I was overcome with an intense, heartfelt pain.
When did I start having such pain?
Living alone, the nights seemed to last forever.
When I couldn't pass the time efficently, I went to a nearby train station and pretended to wait for someone.
Once I grew bored of that, I'd walk home as slowly as possible.
I had friends in high school, but I didn't feel like hanging out with them when I wasn't wearing my school uniform.
In a city of thirty million people, there wasn't a single person I wanted to see or talk to.
It was on those kinds of days that I dreamt about Sayuri. Those dreams were about me trying to find Sayuri, who was alone in a cold place. But I never find her. Only Sayuri's presence, which made my heart tremble, remained in my body after I awoke.
When I think about it, I realize this is the third winter since I've come to Tokyo. It's as if I've spent my days holding my breath under cold water. It's as if... ...I'm the only one left in the world. That's how I feel.


Excuse the rant, sometimes I just had to ... I feel more human then. : )